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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24919795">Nothing is Better (Than Being Worthy)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Child_Of_Wonderland/pseuds/Child_Of_Wonderland'>Child_Of_Wonderland</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bad Things Happen Bingo (Shadowhunters/The Mortal Instruments) [21]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Food Issues, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Poor Alec Lightwood, Supportive Magnus Bane, Worried Magnus Bane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:56:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,165</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24919795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Child_Of_Wonderland/pseuds/Child_Of_Wonderland</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec cares for his siblings, beyond anything else. Whatever they needed, Alec would make sure they got. Even if that includes him going hungry for years on end. His siblings always come first, he knows that. Magnus doesn't.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bad Things Happen Bingo (Shadowhunters/The Mortal Instruments) [21]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1415710</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>187</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nothing is Better (Than Being Worthy)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm sorry. I'm going in between mental states right now, I've been writing a LOT but I have no energy to edit, post, anything along those lines. But I'm trying, so apologies if this chapter is a little iffy. Hope you all enjoy!</p><p>Prompt: Denied Food As Punishment (TW: Food Insecurity, Food Issues, Borderline Anorexia)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It wasn’t always like this, Alec isn’t entirely sure when it started but once he did start, he began to find it impossible to stop. Food wasn’t hard to come by, especially not in the Lightwood family or the New York Institute, but Izzy and Jace were always so hungry. Alec assumes that’s when it started, when he would half his meal between his two siblings and forgo food himself because he couldn’t bear the thought of his siblings being hungry. It became such a habit that his siblings stopped even asking, they just pushed their empty plates forward a bit and Alec split his in half. Alec doesn’t blame them, he could never, but it became such a habit just to forgo food and ignore the hunger pains. Even when Izzy or Jace didn’t take any, Alec couldn’t stomach the rich food and usually ended up just getting rid of the food. Nobody ever notices, he still eats after all but it’s usually just breakfast with Magnus or it’s dinner with Magnus. Some days, it would end up being both but that was rare and Alec found that he could barely stomach those days. It wasn’t on purpose, but he didn’t deserve the luxury of food, he was weak and needs to become stronger. Nobody would notice, nobody cares about him or what he does so it’s easy to get away with the lack of proper nutrition. He brushes his hand over his ribs, starting at the way they protrude out and he wonders briefly when it became this bad. There’s a soft knock on the bathroom door and Alec tenses, turning to stare at the wooden door with wide eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alexander, darling. Are you okay?” Magnus’s worried voice comes through the door and Alec feels guilt seize his heart almost immediately. Magnus and him were meant to go out to a nice dinner, just the two of them so they could spend some much needed time together but Alec couldn’t. He wasn’t worth it, he wasn’t worth Magnus’s worry and love. Magnus was dressed up for tonight, dressed in a nice and expensive suit that makes him look beyond handsome. These reservations had apparently been planned for months, Magnus had just surprised him when he got home and Alec had panicked. It had all been too much, Izzy and Jace had already practically forced him to eat lunch with them today alongside the breakfast he had with Magnus this morning. He already felt sick, just the thought of all he ate today, but the idea of eating more made him physically unable to breathe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I’m…” Alec chokes out, his hands clenching the sink as he stares in the mirror and tries to formulate what he should be saying to Magnus. The warlock had put so much work into making tonight perfect. The restaurant was one that Alec had been excited to try when Magnus brought it up and he wishes he had known. He could have had just a small breakfast with no lunch so he could have the meal tonight. But now, now it was all ruined because of him and Alec isn’t sure what to do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling. If you don’t want to go, all you had to do was say so.” Magnus sighs sadly and Alec instantly feels even more guilty than before because he did want to go. He had been looking forward to this since Magnus told him but it was all falling apart. There could have been  a plan for this, he could have done everything to make this day go perfect and now it’s ruined.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No…” Alec whispers and he knows that Magnus can hear him just by the soft hum that comes from the warlock, “I...I do.” He trails off, unsure of how to continue because how was he meant to explain to Magnus everything that was going on if he didn’t even understand it himself. The floor shifts audibly and Alec watches as the doorknob turns slightly before stopping, almost as if Magnus is asking permission to enter. When Alec doesn’t make a sound, the door opens just enough for Magnus to slide in and find Alec still clutching the sink as if it’s his lifeline. The navy button down shirt that he was meant to be wearing was draped over the toilet seat and Alec is still staring at himself in the mirror. Magnus gently steps into the bathroom, making sure that he’s in the mirror so he knows that Alec can see him before reaching out a hand to rest on Alec’s shoulder. His shoulders are tense and Magnus can feel the bones beneath the skin but before anything comes of the thought, Alec is shrugging the shoulder off. The shadowhunter flees the bathroom, stumbling back against the edge of their bed and slides down onto it. He rests his arms on his knees and hides his face, refusing to look up when Magnus drops to his knees in front of the shadowhunter. Alec doesn’t even bother to look up whenever Magnus sets a hand on his knee and instead, closes his eyes tightly in an attempt to try and block everything out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alexander.” Magnus whispers quietly and trails off when he feels Alec tense underneath his hand, “Darling, please just talk to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” Alec murmurs into his hands, the sound muffled against the palms of his hands but Magnus waits until the shadowhunter feels ready to continue talking, “I’m sorry.” Magnus blinks confusedly, out of everything that he expected from his lover, it definitely wasn’t an apology. He expected maybe him saying that he was too tired or not hungry but definitely not an apology.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve done nothing wrong Alexander.” Magnus reassures, letting his hand trail from Alec’s knee up to his hand and gently squeezes the shadowhunter’s hand. Alec tilts his head onto his left hand and lets Magnus lace their fingers together before giving it a reassuring squeeze. Alec’s still shirtless and he looks down at his stomach, wondering when his ribs became so obvious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something is wrong with me Magnus.” It spills out against Alec’s will and as soon as he finishes, he clamps his mouth shut. He pulls himself up, crossing his arms protectively across his chest and turning himself away from Magnus in an attempt to hide. Magnus inhales softly and Alec can already imagine the worried look that’s painted across the warlock but shakes his head, trying to push the thought away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What ever do you mean Alexander?” Magnus asks softly, his voice filled with a mix of fear and worry that sends spikes of guilt to Alec’s heart. It feels like the walls are closing in and squeezing him into a small box with no air because he can’t breathe. It feels wrong, laying it all out there like that for Magnus to hear him say that because Magnus is so amazing and Alec is just himself. Broken and unwanted by everyone yet somehow, Magnus still wants him. He knows that Magnus will be done with him as soon as he finds out, as soon as he finds out how utterly broken he is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at me.” Magnus cuts through Alec’s racing thoughts and a hand is suddenly cupping his cheek, forcing the tear-filled blue eyes to meet Magnus’s concerned brown ones. The pad of a thumb runs under Alec’s eye and he blinks rapidly, trying to get rid of the wetness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talk to me. You know I’m never going to judge you.” Magnus promises and that’s all it needs for Alec’s entire resolve to crumble down. He glances at Magnus before closing his eyes and taking a steadying breath. Magnus reaches for Alec’s hand and squeezes it reassuringly before shifting slightly so he’s more comfortable where he’s kneeling. The suit he’s wearing is crumpled around the legs and the jacket is undoubtedly going to have crinkles in it when he stands but right now, his entire focus is on Alec.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. It’s not- I don’t understand it.” Alec starts brokenly, tripping over his words as he tries to figure out what he wants to say but Magnus just waits patiently for Alec to continue, “I can’t exactly eat a lot?” It comes out as a question and Magnus raises an eyebrow in an effort to encourage Alec to continue. Alec’s already shrinking in on himself slightly and Magnus can’t stand the sight in front of him. Seeing the lovely and brave shadowhunter that he fell for looking so vulnerable and broken made Magnus feel sick to his stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It...two meals is too much and I can’t. I just can’t stand more.” Alec chokes out, his throat closing up and it feels like there is a lump settling in the top of his throat but he continues despite that, “It’s like I’m sick. I don’t deserve more than that. I’m not worth it, I need to be stronger.” He trails off with a choked sound that’s a mix between a sob and a gasp before burying his head away into his hands once again. He can’t see Magnus’s face but he can imagine how disgusted the warlock is looking at him. There’s no touch between the two and Alec doesn’t want to risk opening his eyes and seeing how Magnus is looking at him. He knows that feeling like this is wrong and that he should just push through it but it’s hard to try to not feel this way. The guilt from eating too much, the sick feeling that comes along with it, and the way he spirals as soon as he realizes how truly weak he has been. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alexander…” Magnus whispers softly and before anything else is said, arms are being wrapped around the shadowhunter’s shoulders. They’re in an awkward position and Alec is slightly crushed up against Magnus’s chest but he can’t bring himself to care as he relishes in the comfort that comes from being around the warlock. Alec tries to think of something to say, some way to make Magnus forgive him and not leave him but before anything sinks in his mind, Magnus is speaking again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at me. Darling, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.” Magnus starts and he tries to think of how to continue without causing Alec to panic or hide again, “You’re not broken. All you had to do was tell me, I wouldn’t have minded canceling tonight if it meant you felt okay.” Magnus hums softly, cutting himself off as he leans his head against Alec’s neck and sighs contently as Alec tugs him closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been so excited.” Alec whispers against Magnus’s shoulder and the warlock sighs before pressing a soft kiss to Alec’s tousled hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m always excited for any night with you. Whether we’re sat eating at a fancy restaurant in Paris or if we’re eating takeout while sitting on the couch with some ridiculous movie, it only matters that it is you.” Magnus promises and it feels way easier to breath as soon as Magnus finishes talking. Alec leans back against the warlock before whispering something into ineligible into the suit jacket that is still hanging off the warlock. Magnus pulls back slightly and looks down at the shaken shadowhunter with a raised eyebrow, urging him silently to continue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong with me?” Alec whispers sadly and Magnus feels his heart clench tightly at the way Alec asks the simple question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing Alexander, nothing at all.” Magnus reassures and gives Alec a reassuring look when the shadowhunter nods slowly. Magnus brushes Alec’s hair out of his face and presses a kiss to his forehead before standing, sliding the jacket off his shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we…” Alec trails off and glances away from the warlock’s eyes before continuing, “could we still spend time tonight? Just hang out?” He wonders for a moment if he sounds too needy and that Magnus would scoff at him but the smile he receives from the warlock chases off all his worries.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds amazing!” Magnus smiles before snapping his fingers, changing the both of them into sweatpants. The bed changes from the previous golden sheets to a pile of soft blankets that has Alec unable to stop the small smile that covers his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hot chocolate or tea?” Magnus asks as he crawls up towards the headboard and reaches for Alec to come closer. The shadowhunter shrugs his shoulders, uncaring, as he leans against Magnus’s chest and listens to the warlock breath softly. With every rise or fall of the warlock’s chest, Alec shifts slightly but it feels right in that moment and Alec couldn’t feel better. Magnus knows that he’ll have to discuss this entire situation with Alec tomorrow but right now, he knows that Alec just needs to feel loved. Tomorrow may be a new battle but right here and right now, the two of them couldn’t be more happy to ignore it for the time being.</span>
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